Discipline / Creative Play
By Shannon Shumaker
If you turn on the television during prime time and do some channel surfing, you are bound to come upon one of those “nanny” shows. You know the ones I am talking about: discipline disasters, moms clad in bikini tops, and sharp British accents. It isn’t hard to believe that the media has made millions on this seemingly odd combination, but there are obviously many parents out there seeking answers and help. Unfortunately, I don’t believe that the “naughty seat” is the solution for everything, like it is sometimes portrayed in these shows. It just isn’t that simple.
Numerous books have been written about discipline, but what follows is just a few of the tools I have found helpful in my everyday dealings with this topic. To begin, I will discuss four things that I think will eliminate the parents’ need to step in and take disciplinary action.
1. I think that all children thrive on structure and routine, even as they grow into their teenage years. My work as a child and family therapist in a psychiatric hospital proved this point repeatedly as well as my current job as a stay-at-home mom. It is important for children to have a reliable and consistent routine instead of one that is somewhat chaotic and unpredictable. A predictable daily routine provides a child with an understanding of time and behavioral expectations.
2. A second tool to adopt is for parents to choose their battles with their children. If you decide to fight all of the battles, not only will you become exhausted, but you will also lose many. Is it really imperative for your two-year old child to wear matching clothes? This might be a battle you choose not to fight in favor of fighting the battle over her aggression toward playmates. When you pick only a few battles, you might just eliminate 25% of the power struggles without doing anything. So, let your four-year old daughter wake up and get dressed herself, even if the Elmo shirt clashes with the eggplant capris.
3. Redirection is another wonderful tool parents can use to try to defray conflict before it even occurs. It is amazing how quickly children can forget what they were just whining about and move forward with a new and exciting topic. Telling outrageous and exciting stories instead of letting your child become frustrated, going on a scavenger hunt outside instead of arguing over the only unavailable swing, turning chores into something fun and cooperative instead of a punishment, playing spontaneous “I Spy” are all good examples. This is your opportunity to turn on your creative side and let it shine.
4. Natural consequences have become quite the buzz phrase these days, but does anyone really practice them? Natural consequences are a big gift to parents because it takes the pressure off of you and places it back on the child and the choice that they made. For example, if a child continually leaves his bicycle in the driveway at night and one morning wakes to discover the bike missing, this is a natural consequence. Furthermore, be sure you aren’t the parent who drives to the toy store that morning to replace it, as that would actually reinforce the child’s negative choice.
Even with those four foundations present, there will still be many times for a parent to put on her discipline hat. If you remember nothing else from this essay, remember these three words: consistency, specificity, and immediacy. I believe that these three elements are the ingredients for positive and effective discipline. In regard to being consistent, children will quickly learn if a rule can be broken and what buttons they need to push to get it to break. When a rule and its consequence are established, it has to be followed through 100 % of the time, that is the definition of consistency. Even the youngest child will figure out how many times they can get away with something before there is a consequence. For example, if Mom gives a child two warnings before the child receives a consequence and is very consistent with that, the child integrates that and will very likely only need one warning before she stops her own behavior. However, if a parent is not consistent, and gives a variable number of warnings, it is likely that the child will continue to misbehave, not knowing when she has exceeded her parent’s limit. Furthermore, don’t establish consequences that you aren’t prepared to follow through to the consequences. For example, threatening to leave the grocery store and your full cart of groceries isn’t a good consequence for unruly behavior unless you are prepared to follow through.
Specificity in discipline is about being very specific or detailed in your description of either a praise or consequence. For example, saying to your child that he is in time-out because he “misbehaved” or was “bad” is too generic. The child may not understand what the punishment is relating to. Instead, telling your child that he is going to time-out because he “hit his sister with a block” is being specific. Praise works the same way. If your child is hearing your broken record voice repeating “good job,” it is less likely to be meaningful to him. Instead, wouldn’t a child love to hear praise detailing the wonderful way he shared his most prized Rescue Hero with a friend and how his friend must have felt so special?
Immediacy is also an integral part of discipline, especially in the younger childhood years. This refers to the parent’s ability to provide consequences immediately following the behavior. Do not “wait until Daddy gets home” like June Cleaver cleverly remarked. It is very likely that a small child will have forgotten what the misbehavior was in the first place. As children get older, the immediacy of the consequence will diminish some; however, it is still important to address the action as soon after the deed as possible.
Logical consequences are also lots of help to children as it helps them understand that although they may have choices, there are always consequences, whether they are positive or negative. This is an extremely important life lesson that some adults have yet to understand. A logical consequence is always directly related to the misbehavior, which is why I think the “naughty seat” is overused. For example, if a child refuses to pick up her 101 toys that are strewn over her bedroom floor, then a logical consequence would be for the toys to be picked up and put away where they can’t be played with for a few days. This consequence is directly tied to the object (toys). In addition, if your child refuses to eat the dinner you painstakingly cooked for the entire family and demands chicken nuggets, don’t give in. The logical consequence for refusing to eat dinner would be for that child to experience some hunger pains until breakfast the next morning.
I personally don’t advocate spanking because it clearly isn’t a natural or logical consequence. I had a difficult time seeing a mother using spanking as her sole discipline method, especially after her child had hit a playmate. Isn’t this child receiving a confusing message? “It is all right for my mother to hit me but not all right for me to hit my friend.” In addition, maybe this child has a hitting problem because she is consistently exposed to it in her own home by her own parent and it is the only coping method that has been modeled.
Upon the wise age of two years old, or even younger, children will begin to exert their independence and power struggles will appear to become part of your daily routine. This struggle for independence will last for probably two decades, so it would behoove parents to learn how to deal with it in a positive light. Being able to give children some control in their lives and some ability to make choices on their own is a great step. Even at age two, there are choices they can make. For example, being able to choose between the red shirt and the green shirt could eliminate the 8 AM to 9 AM tantrum. I would recommend starting with two easy option choices. Hopefully, as your child gets older, his independence and ability to choose will also mature. For example, would you like the red convertible or the green convertible for your sixteenth birthday? On a more serious note, should I go to a teen party with alcohol and drive home?
Power struggles are never a winning situation for a parent. I have known many very persistent toddlers, especially when they are in the grocery cart and in public display. It takes two people to engage in a power struggle. So if you don’t engage, it will end.
In closing, encouragement plays a big part in creating an environment for your child that is positive and loving. If we think about a typical day, we probably say one praise for every ten “don’ts.” I’m not saying that we should praise everything that our darling child does, leave that to their grandparents. I am saying, though, that we need to catch our child behaving positively every chance we can get and acknowledge it in a specific manner.
The Top Five Survival Suggestions:
- Structure and routine will help children thrive
- Remember consistency, specificity, and immediacy
- Use logical and natural consequences in your discipline repertoire
- Don’t choose to fight every battle with your child or engage in power struggles
- Encourage your child daily
Sunday, July 15, 2012 at 1:37PM